Hair It Is

Here you see my new do. I tried to get a front and back mirror shot. You can kind of see the back. I love it. It is not as short as the hair I asked for, but I really like it and am now very happy with it. I wanted to make a major change. This hair is a big hair change for the better. I hope it will also go along with the changes I am making spiritually, physically, relationally, and lifestyle related. Changing the whole of who you are, you ask? No, not everything. But I really am feeling as though there are several things that need serious attention, so why not now?! I have been a nominal Christian at best for quite some time. I run to Jesus when things look bad or when I need something or just after a convicting seminar or revival. After the "high" runs out, I am back to the same old me again. This goes the same with every area of my life. I am notorious for "turning over a new leaf" and telling myself that it's OK to quit when things get hard. Truth is, I have always been a quitter. I have never not quit if I really felt like it was REALLY what I wanted to do. As it would turn out, I married a serious NON QUITTER. This has proven to be a bummer sometimes. He is always there to say (like a good coach), " If you give up, then you will never get anywhere.' Now he has not said these exact words, but something very close to them. So it has been a blessing to me to have a strong person in my life who really sees through mt shenanigans and calls my bluff. He is honest with me and my BS (pardon the French). Good for me to have a person willing to call me out. I digress....Point is I have chosen to make some changes for me. I am doing it little by little starting with a biggie: my attitude and outlook on life. As I stated when I began this blog, I am a wanna be optimist. I want the "wanna be" to be history. I am pretty 'glass half-full' sometimes, if i am honest.
Spiritually, I am not willing to let the closeness I felt with Jesus after the loss of our second baby just a couple of weeks ago pass me by. I am determined to know that Jesus who was my comforter and who answered my prayers when I was not able to feel like my prayers amounted to anything. A little over a year and a half ago when we lost our little Anna, I was devastated. I had no thought that anything like that could ever happen to me. But it did and it has been a long and hard road. After loosing Anna, Glen and I chose to try to have another baby without fear of loss. After an unsuccessful year and a half of wanting a baby and praying and working through grief, I finally felt like I was OK and felt ready to have another baby. I knew that it would be soon. When I found out I was pregnant, I had prayed my heart out hoping that this would be the time that God would give us another baby. When I found out I was pregnant, I was overjoyed. Glen was too. I was feeling emotionally strong. When I went in for the Dr appointment and found out we had lost the baby I was devastated. I had literally prayed every time I thought of the baby ( which as any pregnant person knows is almost every moment) for the baby to be healthy. When I found out we had lost him/her I was not so sure that my prayers counted for anything. I was mad that I had had faith and I had prayed so long and this had happened again. But I knew as well that that was not truth. The Bible tells us that prayer IS valuable to God and he hears our prayers. And little by little God impressed upon me to pray. I heard it on the radio to persevere, I got calls from people who don't usually CALL me to ask me to pray, I was bombarded with prayer requests and people saying they were praying for me. I began to pray again for little things and God answered my small requests as if to hold my disbelieving heart and say it was OK and he was with me still. I am by no means "through" this all. I have not achieved some level of spiritual-ness , but I am here, and I am taking tiny baby steps toward the right direction.
I realize this is a long post and maybe I rambled a lot, but I have so much more to say about where God is directing me and how he won't let me go and how I want to hold on for everything I am to Jesus and know him more. It is real to me like never before. Praise God for Reality. It is better than a wish world. Maybe more later....